The following are some of the signs of an abusive man:

1. Has low self-esteem.
2. Believes all the myths about battering relationships.
3. Is a traditionalist, believing in male supremacy.
4. Blames others for his actions.
5. Exhibits exaggerated jealousy. In order for him to feel secure, he must become overly involved in the woman’s life. He is suspicious of her relationships with others.
6. Presents a dual personality.
7. Has severe stress reactions during which he uses drinking and wife-beating to cope.
8. Frequently uses sex as an aggressive act.
9. Does not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences. Typically denies the problems; becomes enraged if the woman reveals the true situation. There is an element of overkill/overdoing.
10. Batterers generally come from violent homes, or where a general lack of respect for women and children is evident. Relationships with mothers were often ambivalent (love/hate).
11. Personality distortion is frequent. Social loner involved only superficially.
12. Is found in all socioeconomic levels, all educational, racial, and age groups.
13. Exhibits poor impulse control, explosive temper, and limited tolerance for frustration.
14. Has insatiable ego needs (a quality of childlike narcissism not generally detectable to people outside family group).
15. Exhibits qualities that suggest great potential for change and improvement, that is, frequent  “promises” for the future.
16. Believes he has poor social skills; describes relationship with his mate as the closest he has ever known; remains in contact with family.
17. He often accomplishes feats that others are unable to do. Batterers love to impress their women. Generally, they are extremely sensitive to differences in other people’s behavior. They can predict reactions to others faster than most. Under stress, their sensitivity becomes paranoid in nature.

Some questions to ask about someone you suspect may be an abuser:

1. Did he grow up in a violent family?
2. Does he tend to use force or violence to “solve” his problems?
3. Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs?
4. Does he think poorly of himself?
5. Does he have strong traditional ideas about what the man should be and what a women’s role should be?
6. Is he jealous of other men in her life, of her girlfriends, her family, or her job?
7. Does he “keep tabs” on her?
8. Does he want to know where she is at all times?

If you identified any of the above signs in your relationship, please seek help NOW.

Hegstrom, Paul. “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”. Kansas City, MO:   Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City,1999.