How does someone become a batterer?
Eighty to ninety percent of men who are violent with their partners witnessed their fathers abuse their mothers or were abused themselves as children. This fosters low self-esteem and feelings of being out of control of his life in general. These childhood observations also have taught them to cope with problems of stress by using violence. Society has encouraged or condoned his violence by perpetuating values that a “real man” is aggressive and forceful, that violence is acceptable at certain times, that women are acceptable targets of violence that women enjoy pain and that women and children are a man’s property. (San Diego YWCA Handout)

If a batterer is using alcohol or drugs and stops, won’t the violence stop as well?
Not usually. There are many families where both violence and chemical abuse are problems, but one does not cause the other. Both problems need their own treatment. If a person is chemically dependent this must be addressed before treatment for other problems will be effective. (San Diego YWCA Handout)

Isn’t battering only a momentary loss of temper?
Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)

Can a Batterer change? Is there hope?
A violent person is using that violence to release feelings of anger, fear, frustration, etc. He has no skills to express these feelings in different ways. Also, there are almost never consequences to the batterer for his violent behavior. Unless there begin to be consequences it is unlikely that the batterer will seek assistance and if he doesn’t seek assistance he will rarely stop battering (no matter how bad it feels or how much he wants to stop.)

There is hope. It is possible for batterers to change their violent behavior. They must be able to admit that they have a problem, take responsibility for it and seek help. They usually must remain in counseling for a significant period of time. Many men will not seek assistance without strong motivations, such as their partner leaving them or the court ordering them to do so. Suggestions from the batterer’s friends and family that he seek assistance can also be encouraging. (San Diego YWCA Handout)

Is it true that if the children never actually see the abuse, they won’t be affected by it?
First, it is rare for children who live in violent homes to escape seeing and hearing the violent incidents. Even if they never witnessed the violence in any way, they are still affected by the attitudes and emotional states of the parents. (San Diego YWCA Handout)

My husband says if I hadn’t provoked him, he wouldn’t have lost control. Is this true?
This is not true. No behavior of any woman justifies or provokes violence. No woman ever deserves to be hit, shoved, kicked, or physically hurt in any way. A woman does not provoke her husband. She should have the right of expression, the right to express feelings and opinions. She has the right to express anxieties, fears, and thoughts. She has the right to be involved in the decision –making process in their relationship. She has a right to ask questions and get a civil response. She has a right to disagree and to resolve conflicts without his seeing her as the enemy. She has the right to feel safe in her home.

Here is the problem—a controlling man has no ability to recognize that she is a partner and that they are to be a team. He sees her as a possession instead of an individual of value, thus becoming a threat to his pattern of control. He sees all of her rights as a person as provocation and in defiance of his authority. He is responsible for his reactive behavior. He should be in control of his anger, which may mean taking a “time out” or seeking counseling.”
“Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”, Dr. Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill, 1999, pg 120-121

What’s the difference between power and authority?
“Power and authority must not be confused”, cautions Charles Colson. “Power is the ability to affect one’s ends or purposes in the world. Authority is having not only the power (might), but the right to affect one’s purpose. Power is often maintained by naked force; authority springs from a moral foundation. While power is not inherently evil, it is “inherently corrupting”’, Colson asserts. Violence is a sign of the batterer’s choice to allow such corruption to take root and become evil.
“Battered Into Submission”, James & Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1996, pg 57

“The evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”
Matthew 12:35 & 15:18-19 The Holy Bible, New American Standard Version

Shouldn’t a wife just learn to be more understanding of her husband’s needs?
“Rather than learning techniques for being more sensitive to her husband’s desires, the wife needs to let her husband bear the consequences for his violence. The first step is to let the husband grow up and take responsibility for controlling his impulses. He needs to experience the natural consequences of his behavior.

By her compliance, the wife reinforces his violence. She exerts tremendous levels of energy to meet his every needs. He hits her. The neighbors call the police. She says she fell and doesn’t press charges. By lying and covering up for her husband, the wife provides negative reinforcement for his violence. She is reinforcing tantrum behavior in a man who on the exterior may be very macho, but inside is as possessive as a two-year-old.”“Battered Into Submission”, James & Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1996, pg 42-43

If a Christian wife would just learn to be more submissive, wouldn’t her husband’s behavior change?
It is a popular conviction that by submitting to violence a woman will win her husband to the Lord or, in the case of a Christian husband, help him see the error of his ways. However, accumulating clinical evidence suggests that the single worst action a victim can take is to submit to an abusive partner.

Researcher Megan Jobling asserts that the submissive behavior of battered wives might itself provoke their husbands. And in his book, Family Violence, George Thorman contends that a battered woman’s use of compliance as a coping strategy can be dangerous since in many cases the more submissive she becomes the more her husband abused her.
“Battered Into Submission”, James & Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers1996, pg 84

How can I persuade my husband to get help?
You can’t. Get help for yourself. As you develop your personality, develop your individuality, set goals and boundaries, and in essence get a life, he’ll start feeling left out and will start reacting as he loses control. If there is physical abuse in the home then consequences are the only thing the partner will understand. This may mean a structured separation under the supervision of a trained counselor. Most of the time the abuser is motivated by loss and the fear of abandonment.
“Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”, Dr. Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill, 1999, pg.119

How can you help restore a marriage without counseling the couple?
First things first! “It is too dangerous to discuss the problems of marriage until everyone is safe. Any problems with conflict resolution or communication cannot be realistically discussed while the husband is blatantly abusing power. Trust and confidence cannot be developed unless safety is achieved”
“Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse”, Grant L. Martin, Word Books, 1987, pg. 100)

When Christians talk about reconciliation with the abuser, don’t they really mean that the woman should just, “kiss and make up”?
In secular arenas, the term, “reconciliation” is considered tantamount to demanding that the woman stay imprisoned in the cycle of violence. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

It is no small matter to speak of reconciliation between a victim of physical and emotional abuse and her abuser. “Brutality, no matter who commits it, confronts us with one of the most agonizing crisis of forgiveness,” says ethicist Lewis Smedes. And forgiveness, he notes, is “a miracle that has no equal. While certain steps can and must be taken if reconciliation is to be set in motion, true reconciliation involves healing, and that is the work of the divine.”

There would be no reconciliation were it not for Christ’s redemptive act in history. …The source of reconciliation is God ”who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation”. (2 Corinthians 5:18) The substance of reconciliation is hope grounded in the fact that Christ overcame death and provided the avenue for us to be reconciled to God and one another…”
“Battered Into Submission”, James & Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1998, pg 98-100.

“Data compiled by House of Compassion Ministries.”