My name is Vicki. I was born in September, 1968. In my short life I have endured quite a bit of abuse. At age 5, I was raped by a male acquaintance of my mother. I was verbally, physically and sexually abused by my older brother from the time I was 7 years old until I was 17. I was raped twice by an uncle at age 19.

As a result of the sexual abuse and violence, I began to walk down a path of self-destructive behaviors and a life of utter confusion and feelings of inadequacy. I firmly believe that due to the abuse and sexual violence which I endured, I started to have many problems and psychiatric issues.

From an early age I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. As a child I was in therapy, a bed-wetter, attracted to girls, and had strong desires to dress and act like a boy. My teen years were very difficult. I endured a sexual identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior, developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and finally entered the Marines.

By early adulthood I was still in therapy. I was causing self-inflicted injuries on my body as a way of coping. I was in and out of Eating Disorder Units and psychiatric hospitals. I dealt with suicidal tendencies, made several suicide attempts, and was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, clinical depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP).

By age 25 I had cut my body over 250 times and had the scars from many 3rd degree burns.
I was involved in various relationships (dysfunctional, abusive, one night stands), led a homosexual lifestyle, was in a gang, had an abortion, claimed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

As I approached my 27th birthday, I was dependent on psychotherapeutic medications, totally exasperated and felt as though I was just existing and taking up space. I was at a point in my life that although I doubted anything could be better, I was looking for my life to change. Although I thought I had tried everything possible to get better, somehow I was still open for help. It seemed that whatever I tried it was only good for a few hours, a day, or if I got "lucky" , it lasted a couple days.

I was not brought up around church or anything godly. Although I doubted a lot of things about God, one Sunday in March of 1995 I was invited to church and reluctantly went. It was my first time going to a church in over 15 years, and this was like no church I had ever been to. From the moment I stepped through the doors, I sensed something different.

When I walked into that church, I remember sensing such love and peace. I honestly thought it would be over once I left. I wasn’t quite sure what my beliefs were, mainly Agnostic I guess. I spent most of my life blaming God or questioning if there was a God why all this happened to me. All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn’t remember ever feeling peace like that before. And I knew it was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive. I knew it just had to be real.

I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue what that was or how to change. Everything else I’d tried had failed. After going to church, I asked God to make Himself real to me. Within days I noticed I was more peaceful, able to think clearly. The negative desires I had before were not as strong. Even though to an outsider that might seem like such a small change, but to me it was a big thing just to see a change. At that moment I knew God was real!

A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to the book of Mark, and began reading in Chapter 5. I read about a guy who had cut himself day and night and appeared to have mental illness and was healed by Jesus. I became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the floor. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t well. If Jesus healed that guy so long ago, why didn’t God heal me?

I began to yell at God and say, “If you are real, then why the hell can’t you help me? Why can’t you do for me what you did years ago for that guy? I’m tired, so tired of this and tired of living this way. Don’t you understand that I’m tired of crying all night long, cutting and drinking because I cannot cope? Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I don’t want mental illness. Please help me.”

I do realize now that swearing to God may not have been the best thing to do, but at that time I wasn’t accustomed to talking with Him and had tried my best to be nice. After saying all those things, I pleaded with God and truly petitioned him for his help.

I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn’t even so sure about. I put all my doubts aside and immediately began to pray to God. I actually challenged him that I wanted answers and that I would give him 3 weeks to “prove himself” to me. Even though I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, I thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts into it finding out if He was real or not. I really wanted my life to change and was looking for something to make a difference.

I figured I had done everything else, so I guessed I could at least give God a chance. I had never really thought of including God before since I mainly blamed Him for all my problems.
Additionally part of me wasn’t really convinced He even existed. I wasn’t sure what I believed.

Ever since I "challenged" God that night, my life has completely turned around and has never been the same! I “officially” accepted Jesus into my life in April, 1995 during a church meeting. What happened over the next 1-1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking! With the love and mercy of God I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future. I have real hope now, as I know there is a better way to live.
I learned I don’t have to live my future based on my past. I am not sure why all that happened to me, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being turned around for good.
I have forgiven all the people that have hurt and abused me. And I have been completely healed, recovered and have overcome in every area of my life! I was married to a wonderful Christian man in April, 1999. My life has been completely turned around. I am amazed at what God does!

It is my hope that every person will come to the realization that they can overcome anything in their life because with Jesus, nothing is hopeless! Whatever a person has gone through or may be facing right now, they can get through it just like I did and lead a normal, healthy life as God intended for them! I know God will heal anyone, anytime of anything. He is just a prayer away.

Vicki