You may have a friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbor who is being physically abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard the arguments, seen the injuries, or for various reasons merely suspected there was something wrong. What should you do? Below are practical ways you can make a difference.

1. If you see or hear an assault in progress, CALL 911. Don’t wait! Do not try to physically intervene yourself. These are violent, criminal, dangerous acts.
   
   
2. Encourage your friend to fully cooperate with law enforcement and not take revenge into her own hands.
   
   
3. Educate yourself about domestic violence. Simply put, it is about power and control.
   
   
4. Know that domestic violence is a violent crime and is never acceptable at any time for any reason. There are no excuses for relationship violence.
   
   
5. Help your friend understand that domestic violence is an abomination to God and nowhere in the Bible does God ever command nor expect a woman to “submit” to such terror and brutally, no matter what her abuser may tell her. She has every right to take appropriate actions to protect and preserve her life and the lives of her children.
   
   
6. Help your friend understand the violence is not her fault and she has done nothing to deserve it. Her abuser is solely responsible for his actions, both legally and theologically.
   
   
7. Let her know she is not alone. Millions of women from every walk of life have been abused by their intimate partners.
   
   
8. If she says she is afraid, believe her! Encourage her to trust her instincts.
   
   
9. Encourage your friend to call 911 the first time violence occurs. She may not get another chance to ask for help.
   
   
10. Don’t ignore your instincts. God has put you in a position to notice what others may not see or what others may not be willing to address. Your inaction may result in serious bodily injury or possibly even death.
    
    
11. Help your friend recognize the cycles of violence. Prepare her for the contrition and promises of change to come from the abuser following a violent outburst.  Let her know in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and escalate without some kind of crisis intervention—i.e. separation, legal and pastoral intervention, or prosecution.
    
    
12. Tell her the truth. Don’t minimize her risk. Without immediate intervention and long-term counseling the violence will reoccur.
    
    
13. If an assault has recently occurred, strongly encourage her to seek immediate medical attention. Her injuries maybe more serious than she realizes. If appropriate, offer to take her to the Emergency Room or to a doctor’s office. Be cautious if taking her to her family physician.
    
    
14. If your friend thinks she is being watched or followed, or her conversations monitored, they probably are. Encourage her to use extreme caution. As soon as possible, assist her in creating a Safety Plan for all contingencies. Encourage her to notify local law enforcement of her concerns.
    
    
15. Encourage her to keep a detailed log of all harassing encounters, phone calls, emails, or stalking incidents.
    
    
16. Explain to her baby monitors, cell phones, laptops and home computers can be monitored and tracked without her knowledge. Help her find ways to minimize these risks.
    
    
17. Reaffirm your friendship and support. You may be the only person she has ever confided in about the violence in her home. Whether or not you agree with her decisions, let her know you will always be there for her. She needs to know she has trustworthy Christian allies in this crisis and that she is not alone.
    
    
18. Affirm your belief in her intelligence, value, and decision-making skills. Help her think logically, step-by-step through her options. Strengthen her problem-solving abilities, while helping her honestly evaluate the consequences of each action.
    
    
19. Don’t rush into providing quick solutions or offer “pat” answers to the enormous challenges she faces.
    
    
20. Carefully gather the facts. Ask gentle, but direct questions. She may be very uncomfortable at first. Let her know you are not prying, but have serious concerns about her safety and because you care, are seeking only the truth.
    
    
21. Be patient as she tells her story. It may be very difficult for her to honestly share her abusive experiences.
    
    
22. Listen without judging. As abused women too often believe their abusers’ negative messages, your friend already feels inferior and inadequate. She needs to know she can safely share her deepest thoughts and emotions without fear of condemnation or ridicule.
    
    
23. Unless she is putting herself or her children in imminent danger, honor her choices, even if you disagree. Support her. Don’t control her.
    
    
24. Let her know there is help available when she decides to leave. Give her a listing of the domestic violence hotlines, shelters, programs, and legal advocacy services in your area. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Domestic Violence Services” for local information or contact your local police department for a list of qualified referral services.
    
    
25. Be an advocate for her children. Let them know you are there for them as well. If appropriate, give them your phone number in case of emergency. Help the children identify and obtain appropriate local support services as well.
    
    
26. If she has a faith-based world-view, help her understand domestic violence is never acceptable to God. She has every right to take steps to protect herself and her children.
    
    
27. Be very aware of your own beliefs, opinions and theological biases regarding male/female roles, marriage, domestic violence, separation, divorce and remarriage. Search the scriptures and ask God to give you new insights into His heart and mind regarding these issues. Don’t be afraid to let Him challenge preconceived personal beliefs.
    
    
28. She may ask your assistance in obtaining a Temporary Restraining Order, a legal separation or to begin divorce proceedings. She may ask you to be a material witness to those proceedings. Prayerfully decide how you will respond should this occur. As Christians, no one wants to see marriages come to an end, nor does anyone want to see the destruction of human lives. These are difficult choices to make but remember only the woman herself knows what she must do to protect her life. It is not a sin for her to take all steps necessary to ensure her safety. Encourage her to seek God’s wisdom from His word, and pray with her. Then support her decisions regardless of your personal opinions. Trust that her life is in God’s hands. He will guide her.
    
    
29. Your friend may need transportation to a safe shelter in the middle of the night, financial assistance, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or someone to take care of a pet. Ask God how He would have you help and communicate to her your availability and boundaries.
    
    
30. She may need temporary safe housing. Shelters are often full. Decide whether or not you are comfortable bringing her into your home. If you allow her into your home, take prudent and appropriate precautions.
    
    
31. Avoid judgmental statements like, “I can’t believe you stayed so long!” “It can’t be all that bad!”  ‘He is such a good Christian man. He’d never do anything like that!” “You know, God hates divorce.” All such statements only reinforce the abusers messages that she is in fact “crazy”, that something is really wrong with her, and that she is the “problem” in the relationship, not the abuser.
    
    
32. Maintain confidentiality at all times, unless lives are in danger. Avoid gossip. A careless word on your part could put her life in further peril. You must guard against letting information about her situation “slip” to her abuser, other family members, her children or their friends, at church, in prayer meetings, or in a Bible Study group or perhaps even to church leadership.
    
    
33. If you know both parties in the relationship you need to be very careful when communicating with the spouse or abuser, as you may unwittingly put your friend at greater risk. You may need to avoid contact with him for a time, until you are certain your friend is in a safe environment.
    
    
34. If your friend decides to remain in or return to an abusive relationship, decide on a secret code that will not arouse suspicion which she can use to communicate to you she is in imminent danger and wants you to call the police on her behalf. Assure her that if she ever gives you the secret code, you WILL immediately call 911.
    
    
35. If your friend decides to remain in the home in spite of the violence, give her a copy of the “Safety Plan” found on this site. Help her complete each question and think through the steps she can take to save her life during a violent episode. Make sure she keeps the Safety Plan hidden from her abuser.
    
    
36. When she is ready to leave, remind her to take important papers with her, such as driver’s license, birth certificates, passports, verification of citizenship, green cards, checkbooks, bank and credit card statements, medical records, school records, health insurance documents, etc. Help her obtain legal copies of these documents so their absence will not look suspicious in the interim.
    
    
37. Find a way to communicate the reality that if she remains in a relationship knowing child abuse is occurring, no matter what her rationale, she may be held legally accountable.
    
    
38. Let her know if at any time you suspect the children are in danger, you will notify the appropriate authorities on their behalf, with or without her consent. Let her know you will be loyal to her as her friend, but you have an obligation to the children as well. God will direct you if and when this may be necessary.
    
    
39. Watch for signs of serious depression or suicidal intentions. Get professional help or counsel when needed.
    
    
40. Encourage your friend to take care of her personal health and hygiene. Help her find ways to get the rest and nutrition her body needs to remain strong.
    
    
41. Encourage her to avoid drug and alcohol usage. She will need all her mental and physical strength to adequately cope with the difficult decisions which lay ahead.
    
    
42. Help your friend find something to laugh about and be thankful for. Help her see the beauty of nature and the world around her. Remind her to worship and praise God every day and to take her mind off her own troubles and focus on God’s goodness, mercy and great love.
    
    
43. Help your friend reconnect with enjoyable hobbies, sports, or other activities which bring her pleasure and joy.
    
    
44. Help her understand change is possible. There is hope for her future, her children, and even her abuser.
    
    
45. Encourage her to reconnect with her faith community. If they are not supportive, or if it is unsafe, she may need to change her place of worship. Help her relocate to a safer community.
    
    
46. Remind your friend of the power of prayer. Offer to pray with her on a regular basis. Set aside time on a daily basis to intercede for the health, safety and spiritual well being of your friend. Take every opportunity to assure her God is still in control and will be with her no matter what.
    
    
47. Ask God to give you specific scriptures verses that will help her see her incredible worth and value to God and give her the courage to make any necessary changes in her life.
    
    
48. Purchase materials from HOCM’s “Recommended Reading List” for yourself and your friend to gain a better understanding of domestic violence.
    
    
49. If your friend attends a church hostile or indifferent to the needs of battered women and children, or your friend begins to feel manipulated by church leadership, using Bible verses to pressure her to remain in a dangerous environment, recommend she find a different place of worship. Leaving long time church friends and familiar surroundings is difficult under the best of circumstances. God desires for the Body of Christ to be her closest ally during this difficult time. Help her find other Christians who will support her and her children without condemnation.
    
    
50. Hang in there no matter what happens!  Remember God called you to assist your friend and He will strengthen and guide your intervention.  Hold fast to the knowledge that your faithful friendship and loving sacrifice will make a difference.  And know your ongoing support and encouragement are combating the evils of domestic violence. Your efforts are saving lives, one of which may be your friend.

(NOTE: As 96% of victims of domestic violence are female and their perpetrators are male, to simplify the statements in this article, victims of relationship violence have been referred to as female and their perpetrators as male. However, HOCM fully understands this is not always the case and sincerely hopes the suggestions in this article are useful in any abusive relationship.)

“How to Help a Friend” was prepared for House of Compassion Ministries by Donna Farris

¹Excerpted and adapted from “40 Ways You Can Respond to Domestic Violence,” http://www.transport.com/~comklly/40wpd.html.